Never had I thought I would have depression. I kept on denying because I was spiritually strong, until I realised I had unconsciously pictured getting hit by a car, falling off a building and feeling that it will be permanent, short, sweet and peaceful. I was planning suicide in an unconscious mind. It all came back to me. How I had lived in a busy student world, without a word spoken all day. How I had lived hearing about suicide news at university every week. How I never blamed the dead because I might do the same. How I wanted to get into accident in hopes to get away from university. How I never reached out to anyone. And how my friends left me on holiday when I finally had time to see them. Living in a society where people would blame religion and family upbringing, I knew I had to bottle my feelings.
As I heard the latest news that someone from my school committed suicide, I just had felt sorry for the family, to face the death and criticisms from people who do not understand and never would have. I fear for my family. They too would never understand. I regret not ticking the box on the mental health form when they asked me whether I had suicide thoughts. I was ashamed of it, and so did everyone else. I am getting better now, I have to believe so. There are still some ‘short peaceful moments’ but not as often anymore. I am thankful to the quick text messages I received since I have been finally back home. Things have their own way of working out, I guess.
I knew I have to write about this sooner or later. It is just so refreshing to see people out of their ‘closet’ for the matter of metal illness, but at a huge price of someone’s life. Too bad this matter only came to attention when deaths proved it, when people realised their perfectly perfect neighbour, acquaintance or local shop owner gone from this world. When they realised it from the news and sirens coming down the street.
Too bad to the living, knowing that they could have done something as simple as “are you okay?”, to think that they could make a difference. While it is good to finally addressing this matter publicly, it is equally important to everyone, affected or not, to take part in this. As I am thankful to the thoughts from my family and friends, I would love to do the same. Keeping in touch does make a difference.
a WHITE cup of TEA 