The Fault In my Decision?

I am now starting my final semester of the undergraduate studies. The feeling? Priceless! The journey? Insane! I study engineering, I had always thought engineering was for me because I had always loved the idea of how a thing is produced and operated. You know… curiosity. But that alone is not enough. I guess, I just got less curious as I was growing up. It was hard at first, and then… harder. Until, I just don’t care anymore and pretty much question my decision. But the thought of quitting is out of the picture. If I quit, would that be right? What would I pursue after that? What are other things I really have real interest in?

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I feel like I dread every second of my journey to the point where I just don’t care about the grades anymore. But now, having one semester left before graduation and looking back to all I’ve done along the way, it feels so surreal. I feel proud of myself. And I question myself, do I really like what I studied? And I can feel my inside voice says a confident yes. I like my field of study. I like the chills I had when I could relate the knowledge to what’s around me. And I love the feeling.. that one day, I can make great discoveries and be a part of groundbreaking researches. It gives me so much hope, I feel so motivated to study. Over the past years, I tried my best. I had my worst exams way more than good ones.

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At this point, I’m excited for my journey will be over soon. But scared, because I don’t know what’s gonna come next. I am trying hard now to plan ahead. I’m scared of what’s the future stored for me. I just can hope that it won’t be too far from what I’ve planned 🙂

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This is serious…

I have a problem. I am naturally an introvert. I don’t talk much with people I just met and I don’t click with people right away. But I do have a few close friends that I truly cherish and knew for a very long time. I purposely choose my major so I don’t have to work in a field where I need to deal with people. I know I am not good at it. Is it my fault that I avoid it from the start? Ok, so turns out, I, no.. not just me, we, we need good social skills to survive college. Not that I have none. But, I am naturally an introvert, so it’s really hard for me. I tried. And I am still trying. I just feel so bewildered that most people in my class seems to be fine with all the talking and breaking the ice 😦  I don’t think I am the only one with this problem. The thing is, how do people cope with it? Does everyone eventually overcome this in school or college or at some point? Well I tried.

In my first year, I tried to make friends because I knew I have to get over this. I made a promise that I want to enjoy college. I wanted to join clubs, do fun things so for a start, I have to talk to people and be active! That was hard. Especially when you have nothing in common with EVERYone in the group. I don’t hate them. If anything, I think that’s my fault for not being able to fit in. I don’t know how people do it. So you just enrolled and you go to welcoming party just to get to know new people and make friends. Sounds easy. But help me here. Maybe I can’t manage big groups. Maybe I go to the wrong gathering. Maybe I can find a group that is more like me and my personality. I am fun to talk to as well, my friends think I’m funny. I just can’t take it when there’s too many extroverts in a group. Too awkward. So in the end, I have a few friends from my first year and we are quite close.

Now I’m a senior and I could’t care less about making friends anymore. I just want to cherish these few friends that I have and spend more time with them. Sometimes I envy my group members who blend in right away while we’re doing the project. And I will always be the awkward potato in our gatherings. So tell me, is it only me with this problem? 😩

I just felt alone looking at this