Thought on depression


adult alone anxious black and white


Never had I thought I would have depression. I kept on denying because I was spiritually strong, until I realised I had unconsciously pictured getting hit by a car, falling off a building and feeling that it will be permanent, short, sweet and peaceful. I was planning suicide in an unconscious mind. It all came back to me. How I had lived in a busy student world, without a word spoken all day. How I had lived hearing about suicide news at university every week. How I never blamed the dead because I might do the same. How I wanted to get into accident in hopes to get away from university. How I never reached out to anyone. And how my friends left me on holiday when I finally had time to see them. Living in a society where people would blame religion and family upbringing, I knew I had to bottle my feelings.


As I heard the latest news that someone from my school committed suicide, I just had felt sorry for the family, to face the death and criticisms from people who do not understand and never would have. I fear for my family. They too would never understand. I regret not ticking the box on the mental health form when they asked me whether I had suicide thoughts. I was ashamed of it, and so did everyone else. I am getting better now, I have to believe so. There are still some ‘short peaceful moments’ but not as often anymore. I am thankful to the quick text messages I received since I have been finally back home. Things have their own way of working out, I guess.


I knew I have to write about this sooner or later. It is just so refreshing to see people out of their ‘closet’ for the matter of metal illness, but at a huge price of someone’s life. Too bad this matter only came to attention when deaths proved it, when people realised their  perfectly perfect neighbour, acquaintance or local shop owner gone from this world. When they realised it from the news and sirens coming down the street.


Too bad to the living, knowing that they could have done something as simple as “are you okay?”, to think that they could make a difference. While it is good to finally addressing this matter publicly, it is equally important to everyone, affected or not, to take part in this. As I am thankful to the thoughts from my family and friends, I would love to do the same. Keeping in touch does make a difference.

adult alone autumn brick


This is serious…

I have a problem. I am naturally an introvert. I don’t talk much with people I just met and I don’t click with people right away. But I do have a few close friends that I truly cherish and knew for a very long time. I purposely choose my major so I don’t have to work in a field where I need to deal with people. I know I am not good at it. Is it my fault that I avoid it from the start? Ok, so turns out, I, no.. not just me, we, we need good social skills to survive college. Not that I have none. But, I am naturally an introvert, so it’s really hard for me. I tried. And I am still trying. I just feel so bewildered that most people in my class seems to be fine with all the talking and breaking the ice 😦  I don’t think I am the only one with this problem. The thing is, how do people cope with it? Does everyone eventually overcome this in school or college or at some point? Well I tried.

In my first year, I tried to make friends because I knew I have to get over this. I made a promise that I want to enjoy college. I wanted to join clubs, do fun things so for a start, I have to talk to people and be active! That was hard. Especially when you have nothing in common with EVERYone in the group. I don’t hate them. If anything, I think that’s my fault for not being able to fit in. I don’t know how people do it. So you just enrolled and you go to welcoming party just to get to know new people and make friends. Sounds easy. But help me here. Maybe I can’t manage big groups. Maybe I go to the wrong gathering. Maybe I can find a group that is more like me and my personality. I am fun to talk to as well, my friends think I’m funny. I just can’t take it when there’s too many extroverts in a group. Too awkward. So in the end, I have a few friends from my first year and we are quite close.

Now I’m a senior and I could’t care less about making friends anymore. I just want to cherish these few friends that I have and spend more time with them. Sometimes I envy my group members who blend in right away while we’re doing the project. And I will always be the awkward potato in our gatherings. So tell me, is it only me with this problem? 😩

I just felt alone looking at this