The Fault In my Decision?

I am now starting my final semester of the undergraduate studies. The feeling? Priceless! The journey? Insane! I study engineering, I had always thought engineering was for me because I had always loved the idea of how a thing is produced and operated. You know… curiosity. But that alone is not enough. I guess, I just got less curious as I was growing up. It was hard at first, and then… harder. Until, I just don’t care anymore and pretty much question my decision. But the thought of quitting is out of the picture. If I quit, would that be right? What would I pursue after that? What are other things I really have real interest in?

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I feel like I dread every second of my journey to the point where I just don’t care about the grades anymore. But now, having one semester left before graduation and looking back to all I’ve done along the way, it feels so surreal. I feel proud of myself. And I question myself, do I really like what I studied? And I can feel my inside voice says a confident yes. I like my field of study. I like the chills I had when I could relate the knowledge to what’s around me. And I love the feeling.. that one day, I can make great discoveries and be a part of groundbreaking researches. It gives me so much hope, I feel so motivated to study. Over the past years, I tried my best. I had my worst exams way more than good ones.

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At this point, I’m excited for my journey will be over soon. But scared, because I don’t know what’s gonna come next. I am trying hard now to plan ahead. I’m scared of what’s the future stored for me. I just can hope that it won’t be too far from what I’ve planned 🙂

This better be the last one….

So the worst happened a few days ago.

I was in a class where I still haven’t gotten a group because I was absent and I don’t know anyone in that class. I am the only one without a group.  So I tried because for one, I was wrong to be absent and two, I need a group so I can work on a project. I had to be the one who asks around. I really think that if you just ask someone,nobody will say no. Because that is mean and I  will never do that. I mustered up the courage to ask the nearest group to me, only to be replied with reluctance and awkward stares between them. I never felt so rejected and sad given that I made effort to ask and I even made sure I only join them for that day, it won’t be permanent and I will tell the instructor afterwards. One of them said he’s not sure… maybe I could… while turning to his friends but they looked away, or maybe they weren’t even listening. So I just sit with them because I had no other options before the instructor called me. Only then I realised I was shaking, because it put so much pressure on me and I was really sad because I knew there were many people who enrolled in the class without knowing anyone. So I assumed they would understand my situation and be nice. Yet, I got this treatment from the people who had been in my shoes. I was really sad but so so glad I didn’t cry in the classroom out of nervousness. I’m pretty sure my tears won’t make them apologetic towards me. When I finally got assigned to another group, I got up and say thank you guys (for letting me sit there although you never accept me and it’s actually me that invited myself to sit there!) Why I even said that. But I’m glad that I didn’t react sarcastically or roll eyes to them. Because I am nice ha ha. I can never forget of what happened. I can’t believe I was shaking and filled with nervousness over this matter. And I’m not even from here  😦

This is actually my motivation for writing the previous post. I always feel like I have to overcome my introversion. Every time I feel determined to make a difference (usually at the start of semester), I make effort, I fail and then I realise I have to retry (because I want to join clubs and have a fun university life), and I fail again. And the cycle continues for every semester. But I did gain one or two friends in the process. Which I am so grateful for.

I hope anyone who stumbles upon this post doesn’t find it a complaint or my whining instead of getting over it. I just hope that you won’t treat a person this way. I felt hurt but I never want to do it to anyone else, in fact, I always smile to everyone, including those who treated me badly before. The best part is, they felt guilty afterwards and actually tried to befriend me. Well, sometimes it’s too late and I don’t want a forced friendship, out of pity or guiltiness. Mihmihmih.

On another note, I can’t wait to finish this semester!

This is serious…

I have a problem. I am naturally an introvert. I don’t talk much with people I just met and I don’t click with people right away. But I do have a few close friends that I truly cherish and knew for a very long time. I purposely choose my major so I don’t have to work in a field where I need to deal with people. I know I am not good at it. Is it my fault that I avoid it from the start? Ok, so turns out, I, no.. not just me, we, we need good social skills to survive college. Not that I have none. But, I am naturally an introvert, so it’s really hard for me. I tried. And I am still trying. I just feel so bewildered that most people in my class seems to be fine with all the talking and breaking the ice 😦  I don’t think I am the only one with this problem. The thing is, how do people cope with it? Does everyone eventually overcome this in school or college or at some point? Well I tried.

In my first year, I tried to make friends because I knew I have to get over this. I made a promise that I want to enjoy college. I wanted to join clubs, do fun things so for a start, I have to talk to people and be active! That was hard. Especially when you have nothing in common with EVERYone in the group. I don’t hate them. If anything, I think that’s my fault for not being able to fit in. I don’t know how people do it. So you just enrolled and you go to welcoming party just to get to know new people and make friends. Sounds easy. But help me here. Maybe I can’t manage big groups. Maybe I go to the wrong gathering. Maybe I can find a group that is more like me and my personality. I am fun to talk to as well, my friends think I’m funny. I just can’t take it when there’s too many extroverts in a group. Too awkward. So in the end, I have a few friends from my first year and we are quite close.

Now I’m a senior and I could’t care less about making friends anymore. I just want to cherish these few friends that I have and spend more time with them. Sometimes I envy my group members who blend in right away while we’re doing the project. And I will always be the awkward potato in our gatherings. So tell me, is it only me with this problem? 😩

I just felt alone looking at this