So the worst happened a few days ago.
I was in a class where I still haven’t gotten a group because I was absent and I don’t know anyone in that class. I am the only one without a group. So I tried because for one, I was wrong to be absent and two, I need a group so I can work on a project. I had to be the one who asks around. I really think that if you just ask someone,nobody will say no. Because that is mean and I will never do that. I mustered up the courage to ask the nearest group to me, only to be replied with reluctance and awkward stares between them. I never felt so rejected and sad given that I made effort to ask and I even made sure I only join them for that day, it won’t be permanent and I will tell the instructor afterwards. One of them said he’s not sure… maybe I could… while turning to his friends but they looked away, or maybe they weren’t even listening. So I just sit with them because I had no other options before the instructor called me. Only then I realised I was shaking, because it put so much pressure on me and I was really sad because I knew there were many people who enrolled in the class without knowing anyone. So I assumed they would understand my situation and be nice. Yet, I got this treatment from the people who had been in my shoes. I was really sad but so so glad I didn’t cry in the classroom out of nervousness. I’m pretty sure my tears won’t make them apologetic towards me. When I finally got assigned to another group, I got up and say thank you guys (for letting me sit there although you never accept me and it’s actually me that invited myself to sit there!) Why I even said that. But I’m glad that I didn’t react sarcastically or roll eyes to them. Because I am nice ha ha. I can never forget of what happened. I can’t believe I was shaking and filled with nervousness over this matter. And I’m not even from here 😦
This is actually my motivation for writing the previous post. I always feel like I have to overcome my introversion. Every time I feel determined to make a difference (usually at the start of semester), I make effort, I fail and then I realise I have to retry (because I want to join clubs and have a fun university life), and I fail again. And the cycle continues for every semester. But I did gain one or two friends in the process. Which I am so grateful for.
I hope anyone who stumbles upon this post doesn’t find it a complaint or my whining instead of getting over it. I just hope that you won’t treat a person this way. I felt hurt but I never want to do it to anyone else, in fact, I always smile to everyone, including those who treated me badly before. The best part is, they felt guilty afterwards and actually tried to befriend me. Well, sometimes it’s too late and I don’t want a forced friendship, out of pity or guiltiness. Mihmihmih.
On another note, I can’t wait to finish this semester!